If you've ever experienced insomnia, then you know what I mean when I say just how unbearable it is. To put it in perspective, think of it this way: it's like someone put the most amazing chocolate chip cookie in a plate on the floor in front of you and the floor is moving constantly away from you like Jamiroquai's video for "Virtual Insanity". (Really.) Sleep feels like it's constantly out of reach, and when you get there, you can't stay there for any real length of time, and certainly not in a way that you can truly benefit from it.
This has been my life for almost a year now.
I'll blame some of it on my cat, Ziggy. He's a handful, constantly on his needy "you need to pet me right now and EXACTLY the way I want you to pet me... but on second thought, I need you to leave me alone like RIGHT NOW" BS... and he LOVES to start his meowing roll at 3am in the morning. No, he doesn't sleep in the bedroom with me - that was established from Day 1. But he has a really REALLY loud mouth that resonates flawlessly through a very thin door. He was an opera singer in another life, I swear.
My solution to that was to throw on some headphones and listen to some ambient music (usually falling rain) via the Calm app for meditation (which I LOVE and literally saved my life), and that has worked out well so far. So no, it's not Ziggy anymore - it's my own BRAIN.
The brain refuses to stop going and going and going, thinking about every conceivable possibility between the hours of 1am and 5am like a friggin F-1 race. Work, life, what I'm doing, what I'm NOT doing... and it's utterly exhausting. Honestly, I couldn't take it anymore and went to see my doctor the other day out of sheer desperation. Dr. Hago (I highly recommend him, by the way) is the kind of doctor that goes for the homeopathic/natural method first (nutrition, exercise, etc) before even talking about drugs, but after our conversation, it was pretty obviously that something serious was needed to get me back on track. He knew my diet. He knew that I had a history with the ability to lose weight. He also knew the amount of stress and anxiety I'd been through over the years. So he prescribed some meds for me, the kind of stuff that is normally for anti-anxiety but has a sleepy after effect... and he made a deal with me. He said, I only want you on this to get you reset and back on track - this is NOT a long-term solution. I wholeheartedly agreed, knowing for sure that I only want to be taking these benzo meds for max 30 days. Taking it makes me nervous - it's something I've never used before. His other stipulation was that I go back to the gym.
Ahh, the gym life. I like it. I honestly do. Took a while to get there, but I love how I feel after a good strong session. I had a lot of gains after years of work, and then life knocked me on my ass and well, there you have it. The gains are gone (well, almost gone *fingers crossed*) but I remember all of the work I needed to do to get to where I got. It's just my work schedule and other activities, in conjunction with the sleep problems, has made the idea of going to the gym almost impossible. But that was our deal and I'm sticking with it. So going to the gym this morning was a useful and encouraging exercise.
So, I'm doing what I have to do. Eat well. Take my meds. Go to the gym. Repeat. 30 Days. My stress and anxiety will have to subside somehow and take a backseat to my health because I'm not interested in getting sick, finding out I have ulcers (or anything else for that matter), and certainly not operating in a zombie-like state daily because I can't sleep. And I don't want to stay on these meds. I want to function like a normal human being.
I'll do my best! 頑張ります！